This is the song that inspired me to name this blog, Sola con mi Soledad...Alone with my loneliness

Sola con mi Soledad...

Me he quedado de repente, absolutamente...
Cubierta de llanto...
Totalmente a la deriva, sin nada de nada... Fuera de tu vida.
Y ni siquiera me enteras, de tu acelerada y brusca decision.
Nada! No me dices nada! Tan solo querida este es un adios.

No seas cruel amor, no hieras...
A mi vida... Pero, tu ya no me escuchas, das vuelta a la cara... Y me dejas asi...

Sola con mi soledad...
Sola sin tu compaia...
Sola, por quererte tanto, por creer a ciegas que tu me querias.

Sola con mi soledad... Sola con mi sentimiento...
Pero, apesar de todo, te sigo esperando y te sigo queriendo.
Queriendote... A pesar de tu olvido.
Porque aunque un rayo me parta tu... Seguiras siendo mio.

Nada, no me dices nada. Tan solo querida este es un adios.
No seas cruel amor no hieras, a mi vida.
Pero tu ya no me escuchas, das vuelta a la cara y me dejas asi...

Sola con mi soledad... Sola sin tu compaia...
Sola por quererte tanto, por creer a ciegas que tu me querias...
Sola con mi soledad, sola con mi sentimiento...
Pero, a pesar de todo, te sigo esperando... Y te sigo queriendo...

Queriendote... Sola.

I invented my own chains, I let them to tight me strongly so I couldn't be free to make more mistakes with my life. Sometimes, however,  I feel like I want to free myself from my self punishment and run away from my own prison, but then, again, I’m afraid of all, and everything, I’m afraid of my own freedom…

He is always in my dreams, and I feel like he is very real and is looking for me everywhere but he can't find me. His love is a beautiful love that I can still feel during the whole day after I dream about him and feel very sad when I realize he is just a dream.

I don't know what is going to happen with my life, but I hope is going to be better and better in the future. Actually, I have a good life, no me quejo, but I expect more from the universe, I don't want to come to the end of my life and have to accept that my life was all una mierda!

My sister always says that I belong to that small percent of people who has a good life because of financial security. She says, "Don't forget that you belong to the 10% of people who has a nice life". Usually, I don't take seriously her comment, and never really think about it, but today I did. Instead of feeling upset or down because I don't have what I want, today I decided to forget everything and enjoyed my vacation in this cabin in front of the beach in Mexico.

Hello me, how have you been lately? Better than ever. Mejor que nunca.

Really.....? Na, well, yes and no. I don't know, actually.  No lo se, la verdad.

You don't know how have you been lately? Well, I just don't want to talk about it. No quiero hablar de eso.

Why?  I don't know. I just don't want to talk about anything that may make me cry right now. No quiero hablar de nada que me haga llorar ahorita.

It's about the same thing? Yea. Si.

Oh, poor little thing...Can I ask you something? Te puedo preguntar algo?

Yes.

Until when are you going to accept that situation?

I don't know! Don't ask me that again and again and again, because I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF THIS PROBLEM!!!

Yes you can.

You see, you made cry... I don't know how to end this problem, I just don't know! Leave me alone because if I knew how to free myself from this puto problema, I would do it right now!

There you go, then I can't help you if you still stack with your fears.

Leave me alone, leave me alone with my tears and my loneliness please. They are my best company now...

That was fun! It was my idea actually. After being in that beach just by ourselves, I felt like I wanted to be naked and have some sun (and fun) , so I walked by the lake, stretched, exercised a bit and felt so free and relaxed that I accepted when he asked me to take pictures of me.  I liked the pictures very much, they were really good!  I took pictures of him too and laughed a lot because he took that "job" so serious! 

Ok, there I go...It is like if I would feel pleasure by feeling myself down. I was driving and listening to my rancheras Mexicanas when I saddenly felt that feeling of nostalgia and loneliness trapping me again. I changed the music, and  when I got home, I sat in my favorite chair on the balcony and had a good conversation with God. That made me feel better. I know he heard me, he knows what hurts my soul. El sabe lo que duele en mi alma.

After more than five years writing in that blog (in Spanish) I finally stopped, and abandoned it. I had to because my "fans" got too annoying or ofensive to me. Some became my online friends and were nice, but some got mad at me for whatever I wrote. They took my articles personal or felt offended by anything I said, so I better forgot that blog and started this one in English. This blog is not intended to be written to the public but to myself. It's mostly my monologues and the place where I want to come once in a while to vent my emotions, to feel better and to be just with myself.